behindthescenes
Out of steam. Thats pretty much how i've been feeling of late.
I no longer have the same stamina to study hours and hours like I did in the first 2 years of uni/college. Or the way i'd study day and night for A levels.
Now i'm at the stage where, the problem isn't even procrastination, it's just... the lack of steam. Any body with me?
IS THIS A SIGN OF OLD AGE?
As i'm preparing for my last undergraduate final examinations (I have already taken 2 post-grad papers, and have 1 undergraduate paper left this semester) I realised certain things that have been happening signalling the sign of old age, or maybe that i'm just so done with studying for exams.
1. I feel like my brain stops functioning past 10pm.
I use to study till at least 2am everyday. And my study day begins at 9 am. As of now, although I wake up at 7 or 8am, I pretty much can't stay awake past 10pm. Like clock strikes 10, I think, ok bed time.
2. I can't study for hours at a go.
I never used to need many breaks, I mean, apart from the occasional Instagram checks or youtube checks, but now, damn, I find myself re-reading the same line again and again after hour 2 of studying kicks in.
Is it the distraction or is it... the brain? This is frightening.
3. My back aches from sitting on a chair.
So does my butt. I practically need a cushion chair. What is this.
WHY. WHAT. IM NOT THAT OLD. WAIT AM I? :(
Didn't I use to be able to study in most conditions?
4. I don't accustom to the air-conditioning that well.
I sneeze. I get cold, put on a jacket then get warm. I sneeze again.
Sneezing. I think this only happens to me, I think my nose gets extra sensitive as the years go by. Damn you sinus.
5. I WORRY.
I worry when i'm not studying, i worry when i'm studying. I'm more of a worrier in general. I worry if i'll get employed after my masters, I worry about the job market, I worry if i'll get a job I like. So many worries so little time.
My mum tells me I waste time worrying. She's probably right. But i'm pretty sure this worrying "spirit" stems from me getting older. I never used to worry that much. I worry way more now that graduation is near. Well, the whole what i'm worrying about can be a blog post for another time.
I know this sounds super whiny, like I'm giving myself excuses. But no, this is just some things I've been noticing while preparing for my FINAL undergraduate finals. I'm pretty sure people can relate, especially if you're graduating soon or in your last few semester at university or college.
In all honesty, I believe in hard work, and in finding a way to do well, even if circumstances are less than ideal, so, that being said, I'm done with my short break, and its back to studying for this one last paper.
Liberation is near, and I seriously can't wait!
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OUT OF STEAM
1 May 2016
O H A N A
Means Family.
Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.
After the passing of my maternal and paternal grandfathers (end of 2014 and mid last year), Lunar new year celebrations took a turn this year.
In the past, we used to visit our grandaunts and granduncles on the first day of the Lunar New Year, and then our cousins on the 2nd. We went together as a family. It was my favourite part of the Lunar New Year celebrations (even more so than the money received in red packets!)
But as my grandaunts, granduncles, and recent grandfathers passed on due to age (may they rest in peace), and moved on to a better place, we probably will no longer do that.
When there is a passing in the family, we don't really go visiting during the festive period as superstitiously, it could mean bringing people bad luck. Still, the Lunar New Year has always been a time where my cousins and I buy new clothes, dress up, take photographs, have meals as a WHOLE BIG FAMILY (think over 20 people in one living room) and visit together as a convoy.
This year, everything changed.
At my paternal side, we visited each others houses, despite not getting to visit anyone outside my immediate family. Of course, we'd never pass up a chance to go to each other's houses since it happens only once a year.
At my maternal side, I got to meet my 2nd cousins after a couple of years (I see them only during this time of the year) and it was nice to get to speak to them even if it was for that couple of minutes. We ended off the 2-day holiday with a nice meal at my oldest aunt's house. ALWAYS A TREAT.
We also got to take photos as my uncle is really REALLY into photography and has a studio in his house. WHATTT?! I KNOW.
On the down side, I quarrelled with my sister and mom. Which was pretty nasty while it lasted but blew over the next day.
I feel like a part of me is being taken away with these changing traditions, my siblings and I all agree. It makes sense that this change hits us hard, I mean, we've been doing these routines every year for our whole lives. We lived for the Lunar New Year! Alas, all good things come to an end. And, a page turns, we're no longer kids, we're becoming the adults now (adults never really liked the Lunar New Year from I sense lol!)
Regardless of the changing traditions, not being able to go visiting and move from house to house like I used to remember as a child, not getting the same Lunar New Year high when it approaches, missing important people that use to make this festive time so memorable, I realised that everyone, is still one big family.
I love seeing my cousins during the new year, spending hours with them going from one house to another, but all these may change. What I know won't change is our love for each other, and that we'll always be family. Because nobody will be forgotten or left behind.
& If you're interested, here are some other things I got up to in January!
O H A N A | Behind the Scenes
15 February 2016
Found a post in my drafts, realised it's pretty relevant even now, and decided to publish it.
As I'm writing this, I just experienced the best take off ever, and after all the amazing sights I've seen in Scandinavia, I'm sitting in seat 17F of a BA flight typing this as tears slowly well up in my eyes.
I'm so incredibly thankful for am everything I experienced on this trip (in fact ever since I got to intern in France). The whole experience was definitely beyond my wildest imagination. I think witnessing so much beauty of the world really does put things into perspective.
If you told me this 2-3 years ago, that getting into really good international schools and not having the money to go to them, and being rejected by medical school were blessings in disguise, and being up in the programme i'm in would result in the experience of a lifetime, I would have thought you were insane.
If you told me this 2-3 years ago, that getting into really good international schools and not having the money to go to them, and being rejected by medical school were blessings in disguise, and being up in the programme i'm in would result in the experience of a lifetime, I would have thought you were insane.
But right now, I get it.
I may not enjoy what I'm learning in school, I may not be on my desired career path, but I can believe that everything will eventually work out.
Being in this course gave me the opportunity to fulfil my greatest dream (since I was 15!) of living in Paris and London and traveling around Europe. Somehow, it resulted in my family being able to see England too (which I just realised was a highlight my brother's life), and I manage to travel to Europe with my mum (as wished in 2013).
This was definitely one of the most reflective, encouraging, eye opening and emotionally overwhelming trips. I found myself wanting to cry tears of joy more than half the time.
I guess my point of this post is to say, everything happens for a reason, and it's ok if things aren't always perfect. I know, sometimes it really does feel as though life is playing a joke on you, or just kicking you in the butt over and over again. I get it.
When I did well for A levels, but got so many rejections for what I wanted to do, when I think back and blame myself for choosing engineering when I could have easily gone into another more creative university course that I would enjoy, when I was so close to giving up, and thought about quitting for the last 3 years because I didn't like engineering, and (though my grades are decent) when I was miserable almost every waking academic moment, & I constantly thought my life was a joke.
I GET IT.
I GET IT.
Now, when I look back on my university journey thus far, no doubt I will shudder at the thought of engineering - I'm shuddering now - I can see that it wasn't a joke. It happened for a reason. Reasons that elude me, but somehow what could have been the sole regret in my life, the single worst decision made, has turned out to be quite a blessing.
I hope this serves as a reminder to myself and hopefully an encouragement to others feeling like I did for the last 2-3 years.
Sometimes life doesn't go the way we hope it would, but we just have to hang in there, give it our best shot (maybe with a few lot of tears, threats to quit, emotional turmoil!), and believe that things will eventually start to make sense.
I'm not saying I know why I ended up in engineering, in fact, I know for sure, I do not want a career in engineering - it's wrong for me, and I have no passion for it, I'm no longer ashamed to admit that. Admitting that engineering is not for me isn't giving up or failing, it's owning the truth.
In spite of it all, I have to believe that all these, happened for a reason.
There can be no regret in my decision years ago. A lot of what ifs, but no regrets. I don't need to forgive myself, because I can see now that I did not single handedly ruin my own life.
In the mean time I have to continue to work hard and keep my grades up, even though it's not easy, and I don't like it, I got to do it. Because I owe it myself to make the best of the situation. And hopefully one day, just like today, the sky will be sky little clearer, the day a little brighter and everything will make a little more sense.
In spite of it all, I have to believe that all these, happened for a reason.
There can be no regret in my decision years ago. A lot of what ifs, but no regrets. I don't need to forgive myself, because I can see now that I did not single handedly ruin my own life.
In the mean time I have to continue to work hard and keep my grades up, even though it's not easy, and I don't like it, I got to do it. Because I owe it myself to make the best of the situation. And hopefully one day, just like today, the sky will be sky little clearer, the day a little brighter and everything will make a little more sense.
If you're stuck in a place you hate, a job you don't like, something you can't quit and get out of, just hang in there, and see it through. I promise one day everything will be better, and the blessings will no longer be disguised.
Things Willl Eventually Makes Sense | Behind the Scenes
1 February 2016
I did a personal post talking about the concept of Impossible, and not letting someone else define your potential, if you need a little motivation.
Today's is probably going to be little bit deeper, a little more closer to my heart, and not all that motivating (you can probably tell from the title).
The Day I Broke (IN PUBLIC)
The other day, I was having a leadership training session in school with the rest of my course mates (I'm in a really small course) and we were talking about our personal vision in life. Before we had to share it with our own group, we had a one to one session with our partners (mine was a good friend who wasn't in my group) and the purpose was to share what we thought our biggest failure in life was. I started telling her about how I feel as though I'm still stuck in my failure.
Long story short, I slogged really hard for my grades and academics since the age of 15. Did well for O levels (GCSEs) and A levels, had always wanted to do something design related, but because of the whole asian society, decided to try out for medicine, didn't get in, got into a couple of good schools for architecture and landscape architecture - locally and abroad, didn't get a scholarship, and got offered this course I am in now with a scholarship. I never wanted to do engineering, but because of the scholarship, and because I had some insane need to accomplish something after doing well for A levels, took up the course and here I am.
For the first 2 years of University/college, I struggled. I refused to hang out with my course mates, because I felt as though they never understood me. And more importantly, I felt inferior whenever I was around them. I still do. Which is ridiculous.
Im in the process of convincing myself that they don't actually think I'm dumb, a bimbo, worthless, or a person that will never succeed.
Here I was, highly interested in the creative industry and arts, and having to slog it out for an engineering and business related degree. I do decently well in uni, but to get the grades I have, I have to put in so much more, obviously, because I have no interest in the things I'm learning. I really dislike engineering, I breathe a sigh of relieve after every semester, dread every engineering class during, and Thank God for every single time I do ok.
No doubt being on a scholarship has saved SO MUCH agony with finance and brought me all around the world, but I was never happy, I was always depressed.
Regardless of my grades. An A+ never made me happy. But a B would ruin me, and i'd think I was going to end up no where. Unsuccessful.
So, back to the leadership session, We were talking about our goals, strengths and weaknesses. I started to share how I wish i was more self assured, and less affected by the fact that I would appear stupid in front of my classmates, because of my interest - you can tell, its fashion, art, creating things, and inspiring people - not something that sits well with an elitist engineering cohort and a room of aspiring corporate high flyers. And at that moment when I said
"sometimes I feel my classmates think I'm stupid",the mentor/facilitator for our group (a successful investment banker) asked "why". And i lost it.
I cried.
Because that scene, where that group of classmates - who had no clue who I was, no clue of my past, no clue about my life - all staring at me, was exactly the reason why I felt stupid.
I felt stupid for thinking that they thought I was stupid. Why would they? Why should I care? Do they even?!
But I know there will be people who think I wouldn't accomplish much in life because I wasn't interested in the things they were, or because I still had no clue of how to get to where I want to in life. And because I don't have the same goals they do.
A Little Bit About The Past
When I was younger, I had to always deal with being the dumber one. I did the worst in Primary school among my friends, and always had hell from my teachers for sucking at mandarin. My YOUNGER sister was always smarter, she had incredible grades, ALWAYS doing better at every exam, every stage of her life. I was always "the pretty one" and she, "the smart one". My own parents admit / tell me that she is more intelligent, and somehow I accepted it. Of course I don't feel less compared to her now, because of my academic accomplishments post 15 years old. But being told you're "the pretty one" and not "the smart one" does have its repercussions, evidently.
I was never the smart one because I was never really interested in science, and Singapore, was a very science oriented country academic wise - like many other asian societies.
So there I was, after having worked so hard to fit society's idea of smart. To get a first, to try and keep my first (God knows how I'm going to be able to do that, well I have 1 final sem to get through), and yet still feeling as stupid as I was at the age of 13. Except, when I was sketching different dresses at 13 I felt some form of accomplishment.
Anyway, The session ended of well, I had a chat with some other of my closer friends (and then went home to ask my mum if i was gonna be a failure and talked to her for another 2 hours) and basically realised that, being a fish out of water, and not fitting in to the stereotype of an engineering student or a business student or a science student, DOES NOT MAKE ME A DUMB OR STUPID PERSON.
Being a fish out of water is just being in the wrong place, and it does not make you stupid, or any less than those around you.
You just need to find the right place for yourself.
Alas, here I am, with a moderate idea of where I want to head, and realising that a) not all who wander are lost, and b) If you don't know your final destination, you can't possibly be lost (thank you to that senior who shared that).
That does NOT make me unsuccessful.
I should be proud of whatever i've accomplished. I should be proud of sticking it through when the going gets tough. And more importantly I should be proud of (almost) finishing with this degree that I don't like, and doing pretty decent.
Not fitting in does not mean I have nothing to be proud of (thanks for telling me that mum) and not fitting in does not mean i'll end up no where. In fact it means i'll end up somewhere, because when I find the place I'd fit in, i'll thrive even more. And I will keep searching, and keep going until the day I find THAT PLACE. The place where my contributions will be appreciated, the place i'll excel in, the place I'll feel proud for being a part of.
That was one hell of a long post, and i'm pretty sure lot of people out there can relate - if they manage to get through all that text. Regardless, this is a reminder to myself, and to the people who like me, feel stupid or less because they don't fit in.
"If you want to succeed you should strike out on new paths, rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success."Pictures were from the National Gallery Singapore and more can be found in this video.
- John D. Rockefeller
The Dumb One - Or Just A Fish Out Of Water? | Behind the Scenes
18 January 2016
The best thing about recording your experiences, be it blogging, through video diaries or journaling, is the ability to look back on them, and relive your thoughts of that time (reason why I read my old diaries again and again).
So, a year ago, I wrote a blog post titled Best of 2014 where I did my annual reflections for the year. I'm always one to think back on my year, and think about the highlights and important lessons, have been and probably always will be.
Even though events of 2015 seem to be eluding me quite a fair bit, I am here doing my annual reflections once again (it's become quite the ritual I can't shake).
So, in last year's post, I wrote:
Question 49: How do you want to remember the year 2015 when you look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?Answer: The year I stopped worrying about what should be, and started doing what made me happy :)Things Done Right
Extra Traveling
After my year abroad ended, instead of going home early, I went to Greece, Croatia, and Slovenia, and then to Hanoi before the next semester of school officially began. Even though it seems a little crazy, and I was so (happy) tired from traveling, these memories from the trips are ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT. I can't adequately convey my love for traveling, but for real, traveling gives me SO SO SO MUCH joy & appreciation in life.
New Projects
I must say, I kind of did succeed in this. Sort of. I did do things that make me happy. I started making YouTube videos, and that has been really exciting, even though I don't talk much about it (for many reasons). It was suppose to be a channel with my sister, but she bailed because of school commitments, still, I'm so glad I continued with the channel!
Blogging
2015 was when I really got into blogging, and met so many others in the community. Not a lot of people get the blogging community, especially from where I live, and also because I got introduced to the community in UK which is vastly different from the way it is in Singapore (some one please let me live in London again!)
Starting a blog, and talking to international bloggers online, reading blogs, basically just being a tiny speck in the community is probably one of the best things that has happened in 2015. Also, it means I get to write and express myself which I don't get much of a chance in school - ugh, engineering.
A Proper Goodbye
I said goodbye to something I really loved. That is dancing with a team that means so much to me. Doing one final performance (pushing myself through that 2 rather stressful months) and having met wonderful juniors through it, is the perfect goodbye to something I love, and letting go of it is hard. It's a tough decision but at least I did it right.
Things Not So Right
Singing Up For A Role Even Though I Did Not Want To
Unfortunately, in the middle of 2015, I signed up for something because I thought "It was the expected thing to do" and that "I had to", deep down I knew I didn't want it, but was afraid of what "Judgements" or "What my friends/people might think if I didn't do it" and now I'm stuck with responsibilities and tasks/work that I don't enjoy. Which is one of the reasons why I had to say goodbye to dancing. I guess old habits die hard.
On the brighter side, at least its just ONE of such decisions I made. And what's a year without mistakes right? Sadly this mistake snowballs into 2016, but here's hoping it's a blessing in disguise. After all, mistakes could be more opportunities for more things to be done right!
So...Here's to a more fruitful year in 2016 and hopefully I continue to do things that make me happy, learn to find joy in mistakes and circumstances that are challenging, and just live life to the fullest. Perhaps even inspire a couple of people along the way to choose life, and to choose joy.
What are you grateful for in 2015?
The Right & Not So Right of 2015 | Behind the Scenes
31 December 2015
Just because some one thinks something impossible, or it hasn't been done, or you don't know any one who has done it, doesn't make that thing impossible. It just means, you don't know anyone who has done it.
Here's how this post came about.
I was speaking to a couple of guys from my class the other day about the concept of work life balance, and how some people prioritise work such that it affects everything else around them. This could sometimes happen when they have their dream job, and love their jobs too much, but are at the same time stressed out, resulting in their personal relationships taking a toll.
True.
That wasn't the part of the conversation that led to this post. What I said next was.
"Maybe, some people don't need the traditional work life balance, because their dream job IS THEIR LIFE."
And there came the question: "So what is your dream job?" They were all curious. My answer to that question was, I have a few.
One of my friends interpreted this as "I don't have a dream job" and that my idea of a dream job was IMPOSSIBLE. I understood why, it was because I wanted to have a few "jobs" concurrently that will supposedly be completely different and could counter balance one another (constitution of an innate work life balance!) was a foreign concept. Not something they could quite grasps. To be honest, it isn't something I can fully grasps myself. But, if I had my dream job, that's what it would be.
A few "jobs" that allow me to live and work, inspire, travel, and make a difference in the world. I wouldn't need the conventional work-life balance.
The main point of this story is just to put this out there (for you, and as a reminder to myself).
Don't accept what other people think as impossible as the truth or as a fact. That is but their opinion.
I've made this mistake several times in life. The first time some one has ever told me to chase after my dreams was when I was 21. How bizarre right? If I had known that my dreams were valid no matter how absurd they seem, if I had THOUGHT about taking a chance, and doing what I loved, going for whatever dream I had, at 13, 16 or 18, I can safely say I wouldn't be where I am today. I could be better, I could be worst. But definitely somewhere else.
Regardless, you can trust me when I say, go after your dreams, no matter how "impossible" they seem.
DO NOT LET OTHERS DEFINE YOUR LIMITS.
Because when you see someone else living a version of the dream you were initially being told was impossible a couple of years down the road, you start to wonder if it was really that impossible in the first place.
Don't be the one to take away your chances, don't put yourself in a position where you'd regret conforming. Money, the best of grades, and whatever form of luxury, will never satisfy you when you're completely unhappy on the inside, when you don't love or see value in what you're doing, when you are innately displeased with the world, and most importantly when you live with a life of regrets and what ifs.
You have your own dreams, of being somebody or achieving something others might think is too farfetched, but so what, the biggest accomplishments start out unattainable (Facebook, Twitter, THE INTERNET, Aeroplanes, do I need to continue?)
Just because another person thinks it's impossible, just because something hasn't been done, or you don't know any one who has done it, does NOT make it impossible. It just means, it hasn't been done. And there is nothing in this world that can stop you from doing it, as long as you believe wholeheartedly and keep working hard at it.
For eventually, one day, all of your dreams will take flight.
Let me know what your thoughts are on chasing the "impossible" or the unconventional down in the comment box!
Ending off with a glorious sunset image, of when I felt carefree, joyous, and that I could do anything.
And here are 55 other motivational quotes to get you through your journey.
P.S. Even though I say good grades aren't the most important, I believe in studying, and doing the best you can in school regardless. I believe in working hard in WHATEVER circumstances you are in. Just because you aren't in your ideal situation, doesn't mean you should not care, or f-it. It means you give your best, but know that you won't be here forever, and that you can STILL work on your dreams and fight for them.
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